Today, I am going back several months to earlier this year (where has the time gone!) but I think its SO important for society to talk more freely about miscarriage. I am now luckily enough to be 8 months pregnant but many may not know that I had a miscarriage earlier this year.
I think women and men should be able to talk freely about the concept of pregnancy loss. It can be a very isolating experience when really there are lots of others whom may be your friends, family or people you can lean on going through similar situations.
While I was in my doctor's office with symptoms of cramping and bleeding she mentioned to me that up to 20% of all pregnancies can end in miscarriage. I was instantly filled with feelings of shock, anger and confusion. I felt alone. I felt ashamed as if my body was failing me and I wasn't sure what was about to happen next.
What was our story? To be honest, we weren't exactly trying at this point and one could call it the doing of several bottles of wine and not being all that "careful." Having another baby wasn't on my mind really I was busy with our first who was only 8 months, my Grandpa was really sick in the hospital and life just seemed hectic. My period was 11 days late and I still didn't get a positive pregnancy result, being a typical 'Regular Ronda' (even after I gave birth my period came back like 6 weeks later) I was really confused and started to realize that there as a good chance I was prego and it implanted late.
I kept taking tests and on day 13 and 14 I got bright positives. My initial reaction was "holy F" this is really happening mixed with a side of "OMG I may kill my husband kinda shock." I think when I actually told my husband my eyes popped out of my head! None the less, I felt instantly blessed (scared shitless but also blessed!!). The major irony was that the first positive came after we found my Grandpa had passed away. The timing of everything didn't make sense but I just had a bit of faith that clearly it was meant to be.
I quickly accepted that you can't always plan how life happens and although I didn't feel "ready" for another baby yet (general baby-ness, I was still breastfeeding, Ben was teething, we had only started sleep training, I wanted to live off coffee and a lot of my worries didn't even include the bigger element of if we had another preemie), But after about 24 hours of shock I started to get excited. I started to get really excited. Thoughts of life as a family of four raced through my mind. Another baby, would be a blessing and I am one tough chick and my husband is an awesome dad, so I knew we could get through anything. So I was all #letsdothis
I called my doctors office set up prenatal appointments, I got my pregnancy confirmed and we were off to the races.
4 days later I started to bleed.
My heart sank. I just knew.
My reaction was initially was similar to a statue. A statue that didn't even know what to think or do. I knew (from working in a maternity clinic as a receptionist/billing clerk when I was younger) that miscarriages happen, its a sign something wasn't developing right, and there isn't a lot you can do. I visited my doctor and she gave me some hope saying some people bleed in pregnancy and we would see how the weekend goes, and perhaps do an ultrasound the following week to see.
I got home from that appointment and things got worse. For the first time I cried really hard. My heart was guarding my excitement and new expectations that I spent that last few days creating in my head. The roller coaster came out over for the next 24 hours. I spent a lot of time in bed, resting, hoping and feeling helpless. I knew deep down it was meant to be if something was wrong but you can't help but have fallen in love with the idea of another beautiful baby.
2 days later life carried on. Mentally I had my head back on straight and was back to life. At the time we didn't tell many people, for I didn't know how to bring it up and I thought what are people supposed to say? For the record, this is basically called brushing it under the rug… and when you do that it ALWAYS comes back.
Fast forward 2 months when we started trying for real cause now we really wanted a baby and my emotions were crazier than ever. You start to remember what could of been and worry it could happen again and I felt alone. I started to feel sad again, emotions that I realised I hadn't dealt with because only a very small amount of people knew my husband and I went through it in the first place. Thats where I realised I wasn't being my normal self and talking about things with my loved ones. That needed to change.
I had friends and relatives that had miscarriages and I thought to myself, why can't we talk about them. Why is it okay to only talk about healthy chubby full term babies? and not the potentially sad or scary realities that a lot of couples face along the way? We should be able to talk about it all; happy or sad.
So we started telling our friends and family and it felt so good. It felt good for them to know what we had been through, but also opened the door for others to share their stories. It made us not feel alone. The reality is I know quite a few people that have had one or several miscarriages, its heart breaking to talk about but everyone had such strength, hope and compassion towards one another. It's also a bit of a reality that for parents that try to have multiple kids that at one point statistically speaking one may end in a miscarriage, so why do we have to pretend like they don't happen?
Fast forward 3 months after this we got pregnant and I am now in my 31st week. I feel very blessed and I know that the events in my life only make me stronger. I want for my experiences to inspire others just as I have been inspired by them.
I believe everyone has a story when it comes to procreating, keeping babies in, birth …AND It's not always the perfect image that society portrays (I'm talking picket fence, 6 kids, mom who bakes daily kinda stuff!). Thats what makes us human. We have struggles and we conquer them. The biggest take away is that your never alone. Talk to others, share your stories and you never know who you'll inspire with your own strength along the way.
Stay positive, inspire one another and be happy!
Top Knot Mommy